Carrie had huge plans for her wedding, but Big wanted to go small. What to do when your man isn’t thinking like you You probably started planning your wedding back in your teens, while your fiancé was busy dreaming about playing for England. A decade or two on and you have pretty fixed ideas about what you do and don’t want on your big day, so when your groom suggests scrapping the vintage pink invites you’ve spent 40 hours making and “sending everyone a message on Facebook”, it’s understandable if your temper rises. But be warned: once your husband-to-be spots the fury in your eyes, his planning input could rapidly fade away to the words “If you like”, a chequebook and a vacant expression.

In Sex and the City: The Movie (spoiler alert!), Carrie lost both Big and her big day by failing to notice her man was less than keen on her vision of their W-day. So how can you get the day you both want (and make sure he pulls his weight)?

“Few men understand the amount of effort and time planning a wedding takes, so if the bride is very particular he may take a back seat and let her do the legwork,” reveals Shadi Ganjavian-Connor of Shooting Star Weddings (shootingstarweddings.co.uk). “A groom will get involved if the bride allows his involvement and lets him have a view. Even if you don’t agree with him completely, don’t put his fire out by saying no to all his suggestions – he won’t want to help if he thinks he’s doing everything wrong. Allow him to have his way on some decisions."

But before you decide what aspects to delegate, remember that no matter how much you rave about chair covers and rose varieties, he’d probably prefer to leave the girlie details to you. This doesn’t mean your man can’t max-out his talents elsewhere. “I’m marrying an especially efficient bride who’s organised pretty much everything, but there are things that, as a man, I’ve tried to do,” explains groom-to-be Stefan, 29, from London. “Food and booze is a ‘man thing’ as it reflects our ability to be a good host. Choosing music is another thing men enjoy – mainly to avoid the wedding becoming a total slush-fest.”

To get your guy involved from the start, appeal to his inner gadget-geek and ask him to use his techie skills by managing the budget or setting up a website for the wedding with all the details about your day. He’ll be able to spend extra time fiddling with his iPhone and you’ll finally get him off the Wii for long enough to watch Corrie – how’s that for a plan? As for keeping him interested in the long term, wedding planner Mark Niemierko (niemierko.com) uses a few tricks to keep his flagging grooms enthusiastic. “He might drift off when you mention flowers, table linen or crockery, but he’ll be interested in the cars, the menus and the honeymoon,” says Mark. “He could even schedule a guys-only morning activity of claypigeon shooting or golf if your party’s happening late afternoon, or arrange for male gifts, such as trays of cigars, to be served during the evening.”

While getting him interested is one thing, sharing similar tastes can be quite another, as Emily*, 28, from Crewe, discovered. “When Dan proposed, I said yes in a second. I knew he was the man I wanted to spend my life with. What I didn’t know was how different our wedding ideas would be. He wanted a church wedding, one bridesmaid and no gift list. I’m not religious and had already promised my three best friends a role.” Emily held firm on her bridesmaids, let her fiancé have his way with the church ceremony and compromised with him on a gift list, with guests able to contribute to a honeymoon fund if they wished. Proof that different approaches can lead to a winning, not woeful, wedding.

“There are always ways around these issues. The key is remembering the day is about both of you and celebrating your love for one another,” advises Mark. “If he wants a small event and you fancy a big party, the compromise is easy. Have an intimate ceremony and afternoon tea, then have a larger do with more guests in the evening.”

Planning with your man is never going to be the same as planning with the girls, so keeping him on board
needs a different approach. Out are all-night-long giggles about this season’s sexiest dress styles, and in are brief, to-the-point discussions that blitz the big issues. “Men can switch off when we women go on in detail about things,” says Shadi. “Arrange a time that suits you both, sit down and share your views. Have fun, but once you’ve finished talking, don’t bring things up later in dribs and drabs. Men don’t think like us and aren’t hot on multitasking, so his answers might give the impression he’s not interested, when that’s not the case.”

So what is the secret to generating lasting enthusiasm in a groom-sized concentration span? “The trick is to give us men free rein on certain items and let us get on with them. When we have the freedom to make our own choices we find planning’s fun,” reveals Stefan. “Play to a man’s competitive streak and bet him that he can’t do anything as well as you. He’ll jump at the chance to prove you wrong and show off his great ideas.”